What the F*ck Are You Saying?
I was sitting across from a friend somewhat recently and made a joke that we both laughed deeply at. When the crests of laughter ebbed, he turned to me and said: “I actually don’t know what you’re saying,” to which I asked: “well why did you laugh?”. He told me the intonation of what I said was funny to him, which I appreciated, but I wanted him to get the joke, too. This has happened more than once as I realize I lean into the obscure reference. So without further ado, here is a lexicon of Alec: the words, phrases, and allusions I most often use that I realize may not have the intended impact so disconnected from their source material.
Term: Project X
Source: Title of the film: “Project X”
Meaning: A wild party in which a house is trashed
Use it in a sentence: “I don’t get why the AirBnB’s cleaning fees are so high, it’s not like we’re going to Project X the place!”
In a recent mortifying experience, I tried to reference the movie ‘Project X’, only to be met with a blank stare by a zellenial. His wide-eyed gaze hit like a gut punch when I realized I’d probably given my father the same stare when he talked about “Animal House”. Project X likely has held its impact for over a decade because it was one of the few R-rated movies I snuck into as a teenager in suburban Denver, the theater a literal and metaphorically cool spot to hang out in the summers. The youthful dream of trashing a house during an incredible party has existed in many forms, throughout the decades; and for every generation, and I suppose this is my identifying one.
Term: Snortch(ed)
Source: My incredible brain
Meaning: To be snortched is to be “snatched” in the way that indicates use of trending cosmetic enhancements in order to achieve an Instagram perfect look.
Use it in a sentence: “Did you see how snortched she looked when she went on AllStars?”
I made this term up because I believe we need something specific to reference the way that someone will quickly adopt the “Instagram Face” look. The history of the term “snatched” obviously comes to us from the Black community, as so much vernacular, but feels like it should indicate you operating at your best self, by yourself without outside help. To be snortched is to be unnaturally snatched. Snortched is about the help we might get along the way; the bevy of cosmetic enhancements that are currently en vogue. This is a positive adjective, to be clear. All-time favorites are off course Pierre Boo and Nicky Champa, the kings of snortch. Iggy Azealia has been snortched to the high heavens, and James Charles BBL is or can be snortch goals. We may be moving away from the era of snortch, but until then–snortch on, say I!
Term: “Having had”
Source: Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23
Meaning: Arriving having done the necessary prep work required of an event, activity, or function
Use it in a sentence: “She very clearly stated we needed to show up with our bags, having had” / “He didn’t tell me we were supposed to be there with all our equipment, having had!”
This is a tiny throwaway line in an episode of “Don’t Trust the B– in Apartment 23”, one of the most hilarious shows to ever grace the small screen. In the scene, June is starting a new job and her coworkers tell her the behavioral norms of the office including showing up early “having [already] had [breakfast]”. The exclusion of the word breakfast is sort of the punchline, but the delivery of the line and its repetition is funny, saying it out loud even funnier. It pulls on the absurdity of office jargon and its impossible standards, but also the way we’re quick to judge others for not catching on even when the rules are unclear or unwritten.
Term: “Ten”
Source: Rachel’s X-Factor Audition,
Meaning: Either ten literally or the best one can be
Use it: To show you really mean ten–ten out of ten, over the top, the ultimate marker, or simply, that its ten am
This whole audition is a fever dream of quotable lines and cringe-worthy interactions. Still, the aplomb with which Rachel says ten is commendable; incorporating the confident yet laid-back line delivery allows one to access similar levels of delusion and or conviction.
Term: “Quelle belle surprise”
Source: Miranda Priestly, “The Devil Wears Prada”
Meaning: What a nice surprise
Use it: To indicate genuine surprise, to buy yourself time to think of something to say, or to let someone know you detest whatever they’ve just suggested
This is another tiny line that packs a huge punch: in the film, the scales of fate have been tilting against Miranda and she’s faced with her rival surprising her at a stressful party. She says the line in part as a greeting, as a way of meeting her French counterpart on friendly footing, and she may have been expressing genuine surprise.
This three-word phrase is a clear-cut example of both the power of Meryl Streep and the nuanced interiority of women in varied social dynamics: the line in the scene is both courteous yet facetious, endearing and off-putting, vulnerable and guarded all at once. Is Miranda really always one step ahead–—linguistically prepared for any outcome? Or is she buying time to calibrate a proper response and her next move? Did she actually know that Jacqueline was coming? If not, is this a rare show of real emotion? This slip across languages is the only time Miranda speaks French in the film as well; we’re never told if she’s fluent so this line leaves me with more questions than answers. Use with varying intention, but accompanied always by a wry smile.
Term: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Brian Newman”
Source: Lady Gaga, “Just Another Day”
Meaning: A way to call out something exemplary or obvious
Use it in a sentence: [Pointing at a dog]: “Ladies and Gentlemen, Brian Newman”
This is the only time Gaga introduces one of her musicians by their full name during a recorded studio version of a song, so it stands out for that reason alone. The song itself is a somewhat melancholic treatise on the passage of time, the way life moves on with or without us. Brian Newman, the revered jazz musician, deserves this callout amidst his stellar solo. But in the context of the song, it acts as an antithesis of the thematic statement: it’s almost ironic to name one singular man by name here, which I like. It’s almost a Shakespearean aside. What other things deserve such attention, such juxtaposition? Use this phrase to highlight them, or as I do: when looking in a mirror as a little bit you can do with yourself.
Term: Zsa Zsa Zsu
Source: Carrie Bradshaw, “Sex and the City”
Meaning: That extra special, near indescribable quality in a person or thing that makes it perfect
Use it in a sentence: “Balthazar’s steak frites don’t really have the zsa zsa zsu today” / “Those jeans look great and have that zsa zsa zsu so I bought them even though I know I could have thrifted them for cheaper!”
Carrie has given us so much, linguistically and otherwise. I couldn’t help but wonder: was the zsa zsa zsu inside of us all along? This is really just “je ne sais quoi” in a different onomatopoetic phrasing, but I love it. It adds whimsy, of which I believe we are always in short supply.
Term: We’re giving Oribe on Hair
Source: Sandra Bernhard, Late Night with Letterman, 1992
Meaning: Giving credit where credit is due, a retort on an ill-advised or over-familiar read
Use it: After a compliment, to provide further detail on a project, or when you’re feeling your look
This is one of the most fabulous interviews ever conducted. You have Sandra at the height of her powers, looking drop-dead gorgeous, and letting you know directly who helped bring the look together and the references that brought her there while rejecting her interviewer’s assertion that she’s too much, too confident. She enters the interview by giving a music cue to the house band, with a dazzling self-possesion. This is a reminder that every look can be a story. Letterman tries to shade her and bring her down a notch by saying her “little outfit” looks like “something leftover from the Addams Family,” to which she says: “I’m so into looking at myself I can’t be bothered looking at you right now; I’m so incredibly enchanting I’ll just be staring at the monitors all night, David”. ICONIC!
Do not let anyone, let alone a man who’s never turned a look in his life, tell you you are not everything! This clip is an instant serotonin boost and makes me feel like I could lift a car. The use of “giving” from almost thirty years ago is fun, too, as she references “bringing the 60s into the 90s” but the energy is important here. A patron saint of the witty retort, she is my inspiration for authenticity. When you know you look good, you have to talk about it. May we never have to defend ourselves thusly, but until then—diamonds and pearls, and Oribe on hair, baby.
Term: Spot the Plonker
Source: What a Girl Wants
Meaning: Plonker (n): idiot, fool. Look who’s sticking out, or who’s making a mistake or cultural gaff
Use it in a sentence: “That girl is shazaming a Cher song at the Cher concert–spot the plonker!”
Another small line that is just one of those funny British-isms we Americans can chuckle at. I don’t care if this has ever been actually used by someone in the U.K.; the way they say things across the pond is so funny! In the movie, this line is given by an evil stepsister figure who has some cutting comments for American ingenue Amanda Bynes. The whole movie is filled with these gems, delivered in that unmistakable early 00s frenemy cadence that’s just juicy to reference. You can use this self-referentially as an admission of a small mistake, or to call out someone else’s bad behavior.
Term: “Could happen to anyone, quite frequently does”
Source: Holly Golightly, “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”
Meaning: No worries, completely understandable
Use it: When someone has bumped into you, or picked up your Starbucks Mobile order, or is telling you they are actually in love with someone else and you need to leave their studio apartment so said person can come over
Easily one of the most quotable movies of all time, this is special for the transatlantic accent and the time-capsule quality of the phrasing. This is a literal interpretation best referenced by simple repetition. Try dropping it in! Bonus points if you use the lilting accent to accentuate the point.
Term: Haunting + Hexting
Source: My advanced Mensa mind
Meaning: Haunting (v.): the act of walking directly behind someone in a busy crowd so they navigate the traffic and you can follow in their footsteps with ease. Hexting (v.) when you’re haunting someone so you can text or otherwise be on your phone
Use it in a sentence: “I accidentally was haunting this guy for twenty minutes trying to get through Sheep’s Meadow” / “I hate going through midtown on a week day, this girl was hexting behind me for like forty blocks”
This is such a specific city experience that I’ve seen happen and participated in many times. As a taller person, I often find people trailing behind me so we form a chain not entirely dissimilar to a preschool line, or a procession of ghosts just trying to make our way through Manhattan. It’s rather ghostly in that the person you’re following may never know that you’re there.
You often see this coupled with someone not paying attention at all because their on their phone so they’re haunting and texting, which is hexting–this is useful if you need to look at Maps while still walking at the requisite six miles an hour necessary to not hold up traffic. Of course, we could stop, pull to the side of the street or sidewalk and look at our phones, but we won’t–and what’s the fun in that anyway? Everyone does this to everyone–look for it and I assure you you will see it the next time you step outside. It’s an innocuous interaction but social nonetheless, a reminder that we impact others even when we’re unaware of our actions.
Thank you for reading—if you’ve made it this far I hope you are never the plonker and that you always give Oribe on hair!
